decisions.

So...what do you do when your loved ones tell you to go with your gut...but your gut doesn't know what the heck is going on?! I promised I would be open and honest about this entire process. This blog is the first time I'm nervous as hell to tell you all what has transpired over the last 36 hours...

Ryan and I had our first opportunity to adopt a baby come to us on Tuesday night. What's exciting about this is that it came to us through someone I work with. As I've told you - so many times an adoption takes place because of word-of-mouth and this was the case for us. A co-worker of mine has a friend who has adopted children from Florida. The attorney of this woman had a case of a baby boy to be born in September. I requested information on the family and received it Wednesday morning. From there, the clock was ticking. Ryan and I would have exactly 24 hours to decide if we were interested in engaging in conversations with this expectant mother or not.

24 hours. 

So, naturally, it's all I could think about at work all day. How could I even focus on work? I wanted to think, cry, smile, laugh and puke all at once. I wanted to call Ryan and talk but of course he was at work and wasn't available. I couldn't imagine what he was thinking - only knowing as much as I could send in a text. 

22 hours left.

At first glance, I had concerns about some things in the information I got. I'm not going to go into details out of respect for those involved but something didn't feel right to me. I read the information over and over and over. I didn't want to miss anything. I wanted to make sure I understood everything. I read it so many times it all started to get blurry. How would I ever make this decision?

19 hours left.

I needed someone. I needed my Momma. I reached out to her via Facebook messenger while on lunch at work and exclaimed "ARE YOU THERE?!" I'm sure she was worried. But, I couldn't think about that. All I could think about was telling her each and every last detail about this situation. Then....I waited. I waited for the normal "go for it honey!" or "it sounds great!" that I normally get from my Momma. But, that didn't come. Instead, she shared her concerns, questions and fears. It matched my concerns. But...I still had hope. I was still hoping Ryan would see something I couldn't see. 

16 hours left.

Leaving work, I needed more. I needed someone else to hear this story and to help me. I called Ryan...no answer. Ryan and I decided that when it came to a decision like this, we wouldn't tell anyone except family as to not bring anyone on this rollercoaster. Yet, I needed someone. So, I text my best friend who was working. She said -- come meet me, NOW! So, I made my way to Edina to meet her for dinner. In the meantime, I wanted to call my Dad. My Dad is always the voice of reason and surely he'll be able to give me an answer!  I call my Dad and tell him the story. Again, he has concerns and questions...very similar to mine. He said "I'm sorry I can't tell you one way or the other, this is a hard decision!" I am SCREAMING in my head - SOMEONE JUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO! I try calling Ryan again with no answer. So, I go to dinner with my best friend and explain the entire situation to her. Of course, she is supportive and positive. She wants this baby for us as much as we do. But, again, she can't make this decision for us.

14 hours left.

Heading home from dinner....call Ryan. Still nothing. Still working. So, I go home to sit on the couch and yet again - read the details of this situation. I think to myself - I am literally deciding if I want to start engaging in a conversation/relationship that will end in me being a mother. Who am I to say no? 

13 hours left.

Ryan is FINALLY home. The poor man is shook and said he couldn't stop thinking about this all day (join the club)! I tell him that I've made a list of "pros and cons" and that he should do the same. So, he does, and we compare. Surprisingly, they are very different. The pros were longer on his list and shorter on mine. The cons were longer on my list and shorter on his. What now? Well, now we talk. And talk. And talk. And talk.

11 hours left.

I'm exhausted. I'm sad and nervous and upset. But, the decision is made. Our decision to pass up on this offer. Ryan is very satisfied. He is perfectly okay because we know it's not the right decision for us. In my mind, I know this is the right thing to do. Way too many red flags. We'd be settling. We'd be making a decision that could cost us a lot - both money and emotions - and could not work out. But -- I'm so sad. How could I not be sad?

2 hours left.

I woke this morning feeling grateful. Grateful to have such an amazing support team. Grateful to have the most amazing, caring, supportive husband in the world. He truly knows me. He gets me. We are 100% on the same page. Today I'm sad that I'm not going to be a mother...right now. But, I know that this was not my child. I can feel it. And -- I'm okay. My child is out there and I know when the right time comes, what will be, will be.

Thank you all for being on this journey with us. We are eternally grateful to our supporters.